Don't come back!

Oh, we all have our fave 'painuer' story and in the Fast Track we see too many painuers to count. Apparently I was out of sorts and patience when confronted with one of the back pain variety...

First of all, do you need to give it that obnoxious fake limp while walking to the exam room? As you tell me that you are strong, have a high pain tolerance and consequently don't need a wheel chair? (Sorry, I can read you like a book!) Secondly, do you really want to tell me that you went bowling last night while off on work comp for this devastatingly painful injury?! Really?
Seems the pain has become incredibly intense only after attempting to work (released to go back today - surprise, surprise!) and then you had to leave after an hour on your shift as a counter person at the local fast food joint. I also enjoyed the whimpering behind the curtain - audio clues are needed sometimes to help the nurses in the ER understand just how bad that pain is for you! Other people feel sorry for you too and step to the desk frequently to 'let us know' that you need help in there. A pain scale of 15 out of 10 is a good way to enhance our understanding of your agony - that coupled with texting and chatting on your cell phone while in your curtained cubicle!

My painuer had the new PA in Fast Track buffaloed with afore mentioned theatrics which is probably why I got somewhat frustrated about giving the 5mg of Valium AND 2mg of Dilaudid! What the H***l??!! The final straw was the insistence that I give the meds and not wait for the ride. Seems she also convinced the PA that a ride was forthcoming and that we needed to end her misery - now! Amazingly enough her pain was down to a 2 with-in 5 minutes of the needle exiting her flesh. Again with the surprise!!!

Now comes my fave part of the evening. She got on her cell phone after her discharge and I discreetly followed her out to the the waiting room since she got my fake-dar humming. Hmmm...didn't sit down to wait. Heading right for the door; it is 38 degrees and drizzling out. Double hmmmm. No dry place to wait out there; the ride must already be here. Well what ya know? The 'limp' has totally disappeared once she got outside the ER door! Wow, she is walking like a pro and talking on her cell and digging in her purse...for her car keys!!!

I lost it! As she backed out of the stall I had gotten to the rear of the car and slammed my hand on the trunk lid. What a face she made in the rear-view mirror; part freaked out and part mad!! She blew out of the parking lot and headed for the street without another backward glance. I stormed back into the ER and made a few calls to the local chain pharmacy. That told me all I needed to know about her 'pain!' Copied the chart and notified the DIC doc (we love that one: 'Dr in Charge') and told the PA what happened and that it won't happen again with me!

I can only hope that she...doesn't...come...back...!