I got a candy bar from the ER admitting clerk and attained 'great legend of the ER' status with this one:
Young Chick: I need a pregnancy test cuz I need to prove to my boyfriend that I am pregnant
Triage Queen (me): Have you done a pregnancy test at home yet?
Young Chick: Yeah I did 3 so far.
Triage Queen: What were the results of the tests?
Young Chick: They wuz all positive.
Triage Queen: When was your last period?
Young Chick: I think about 3 months ago...?
Triage Queen: Are you having pain or bleeding now? Problems with the pregnancy?
Young Chick: No, I just want to have you prove to him that I am really pregnant! (points to tall, slack jawed male standing beside her)
Triage Queen (addressing slack jawed male): She really is pregnant...!
Slack Jawed Male: I want a 'real' test done an' I don't think it's mine anyway!!!
Triage Queen (to both): The home tests are "real" and are the exact same ones we do here. We will NOT determine paternity in this ER. You would waste our time and resources to check you in right now to 'prove' a pregnancy! No pain or bleeding? (TQ points to WR full of real patients who have waited 3+ hours to be seen for REAL problems) You would have to wait all night for a pregnancy test! Don't believe her? Go to Wal Mart buy a test and pee on the stick in front of him. The + sign means pregnant! In the morning make an appointment with your OB Doc and get some counseling on the side!
Young Chick to Slack Jawed Male: See I TOLD you so!!! I'm pregnant an I'm gonna prove it's yours!! (Slaps him on the arm)
Triage Queen (under my breath as they head for the door): Good luck with that stellar choice of sperm donor...
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Don't come back!
Oh, we all have our fave 'painuer' story and in the Fast Track we see too many painuers to count. Apparently I was out of sorts and patience when confronted with one of the back pain variety...
First of all, do you need to give it that obnoxious fake limp while walking to the exam room? As you tell me that you are strong, have a high pain tolerance and consequently don't need a wheel chair? (Sorry, I can read you like a book!) Secondly, do you really want to tell me that you went bowling last night while off on work comp for this devastatingly painful injury?! Really?
Seems the pain has become incredibly intense only after attempting to work (released to go back today - surprise, surprise!) and then you had to leave after an hour on your shift as a counter person at the local fast food joint. I also enjoyed the whimpering behind the curtain - audio clues are needed sometimes to help the nurses in the ER understand just how bad that pain is for you! Other people feel sorry for you too and step to the desk frequently to 'let us know' that you need help in there. A pain scale of 15 out of 10 is a good way to enhance our understanding of your agony - that coupled with texting and chatting on your cell phone while in your curtained cubicle!
My painuer had the new PA in Fast Track buffaloed with afore mentioned theatrics which is probably why I got somewhat frustrated about giving the 5mg of Valium AND 2mg of Dilaudid! What the H***l??!! The final straw was the insistence that I give the meds and not wait for the ride. Seems she also convinced the PA that a ride was forthcoming and that we needed to end her misery - now! Amazingly enough her pain was down to a 2 with-in 5 minutes of the needle exiting her flesh. Again with the surprise!!!
Now comes my fave part of the evening. She got on her cell phone after her discharge and I discreetly followed her out to the the waiting room since she got my fake-dar humming. Hmmm...didn't sit down to wait. Heading right for the door; it is 38 degrees and drizzling out. Double hmmmm. No dry place to wait out there; the ride must already be here. Well what ya know? The 'limp' has totally disappeared once she got outside the ER door! Wow, she is walking like a pro and talking on her cell and digging in her purse...for her car keys!!!
I lost it! As she backed out of the stall I had gotten to the rear of the car and slammed my hand on the trunk lid. What a face she made in the rear-view mirror; part freaked out and part mad!! She blew out of the parking lot and headed for the street without another backward glance. I stormed back into the ER and made a few calls to the local chain pharmacy. That told me all I needed to know about her 'pain!' Copied the chart and notified the DIC doc (we love that one: 'Dr in Charge') and told the PA what happened and that it won't happen again with me!
I can only hope that she...doesn't...come...back...!
First of all, do you need to give it that obnoxious fake limp while walking to the exam room? As you tell me that you are strong, have a high pain tolerance and consequently don't need a wheel chair? (Sorry, I can read you like a book!) Secondly, do you really want to tell me that you went bowling last night while off on work comp for this devastatingly painful injury?! Really?
Seems the pain has become incredibly intense only after attempting to work (released to go back today - surprise, surprise!) and then you had to leave after an hour on your shift as a counter person at the local fast food joint. I also enjoyed the whimpering behind the curtain - audio clues are needed sometimes to help the nurses in the ER understand just how bad that pain is for you! Other people feel sorry for you too and step to the desk frequently to 'let us know' that you need help in there. A pain scale of 15 out of 10 is a good way to enhance our understanding of your agony - that coupled with texting and chatting on your cell phone while in your curtained cubicle!
My painuer had the new PA in Fast Track buffaloed with afore mentioned theatrics which is probably why I got somewhat frustrated about giving the 5mg of Valium AND 2mg of Dilaudid! What the H***l??!! The final straw was the insistence that I give the meds and not wait for the ride. Seems she also convinced the PA that a ride was forthcoming and that we needed to end her misery - now! Amazingly enough her pain was down to a 2 with-in 5 minutes of the needle exiting her flesh. Again with the surprise!!!
Now comes my fave part of the evening. She got on her cell phone after her discharge and I discreetly followed her out to the the waiting room since she got my fake-dar humming. Hmmm...didn't sit down to wait. Heading right for the door; it is 38 degrees and drizzling out. Double hmmmm. No dry place to wait out there; the ride must already be here. Well what ya know? The 'limp' has totally disappeared once she got outside the ER door! Wow, she is walking like a pro and talking on her cell and digging in her purse...for her car keys!!!
I lost it! As she backed out of the stall I had gotten to the rear of the car and slammed my hand on the trunk lid. What a face she made in the rear-view mirror; part freaked out and part mad!! She blew out of the parking lot and headed for the street without another backward glance. I stormed back into the ER and made a few calls to the local chain pharmacy. That told me all I needed to know about her 'pain!' Copied the chart and notified the DIC doc (we love that one: 'Dr in Charge') and told the PA what happened and that it won't happen again with me!
I can only hope that she...doesn't...come...back...!
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